Everyone celebrates and honors our fallen U.S. military men and women in different ways. Some eat BBQ and drink beer... some go camping in midwest rain storms. Our Zombie movie expert, Ashnack, reviews some rather awful zombie horror films. This is the service he provides.
This four reviews this year are Days of Darkness Review, Of the Living Dead review, Boy Eats Girl Review, and Zombiegeddon. The links to discussion threads in the forum are located after each review. Feel free to join in!
Days of Darkness Review
Time for a new movie review. Rather than choose a successful film, or at least one that made the theater, I have chosen Days of Darkness for this endeavor.
As always there will be spoilers because lets face it the plot is what makes these movies funny.
The basic premise of this cinematic masterpiece is that a comet drops a big chunk of itself into Earths atmosphere releasing Zombie Spores (not sure what else to call them). Overnight the majority of the population is turned into flesh eating zombies.
Our heroes and I use that term very very loosely, are 11 of the most dysfunctional people that could ever bee assembled. There is the newly retired porn actress and her virgin daughter, the out of work b-movie action star who is a coward (I find it funny that a movie with no names you will ever see again has two failed actors as characters) there is the young couple and a few other random losers thrown in for fun, even the standard religious zealot who may be a bit gay.
We soon find out that not only do Zombie Spores (Trade Mark Ashnack Inc.) make you into a zombie but soon after a males boy parts fall off and alien human hybrid critters start growing down there in this gross little sack. Now zombies I can take but alien Zombie Spores (soon for sale at Wal-Mart) that castrate you are just not cool.
As our band of rugged losers fight on and their numbers begin to drop they also learn that the 2 young virgin girls appear to be pregnant (the boyfriend assumes his girl had cheated on him 3 months before).
Needless to say we learn that Zombie Spores (don’t let them near your daughters) don’t zombiefy young girls but instead give them alien hybrid babies and attack tentacles for their privates.
It was at this point I started to wonder why the director kept messing with people’s privates; I mean come on dude that’s just mean.
To wrap up this fine cinematic venture we find out the cure for zombies.
Drum Roll
BOOZE :D
Yes Zombie Squad the cure for zombies is booze. It flushes Alien Babies out of girls, it makes Zombie Heads Explode. Yes if your town is infested with Zombie Spores (Approved by Madd) then you should drink and be merry.
And to prove the good use of booze the final scene has our final survivors polishing off a bottle of Rot Gut while shooting the walking dead.
Discussion:http://zombiehunters.org/forum/viewtopic.php?f=13&t=29935
Of the Living Dead review; Or how to make a movie for $20
Ahh the joy of low budget Zombie films.
But how low can a budget go?
Meat Market claimed to be filmed for about $7,000 and a lot of actors having their own guns etc?
If that seems a bit expensive for a zombie film then I at least have one reason to recommend “…Of the Living Dead”. If this movie cost more than $200 to make I would be surprised.
The plot, what little plot there is, is that 2 friends with various family members are trapped in a mobile home by the living dead. There are also 2 friends driving around after finding their homes destroyed by a hurricane and a jogger who really pisses of a warlock by running through his séances.
The zombies are being caused by one of several reasons as reported on the news:
1. Monkeys bit some people 27 days earlier
2. Rednecks using toxic chemicals to make moonshine
3. Children playing with dead things
4. A virus released in squirrel city
5. Evil séances
6. Toxic chemicals discovered in a warehouse
And a few others I don’t remember.
The Zombies in this movie are really dumb too. One is fooled into leaving the trailer by a note saying “I went out side” and the rest start leaving the trailer alone when they read a note saying “Humans are in the woods, Knocking is annoying House, Signed House”.
When our inventive directors needed to create a government man in a bio suit (I think) they took an actor (and boy do I use that term loosely) and duct taped silver tarps all around his body.
We also find out that the natural enemies of Zombies are Ninjas (heavy set Ninjas) and the enemy of Ninjas is the Red Zombie (take actor add Red Hoodie).
The DVD cost of this movie probably represents a noticeable portion of the total budget so I don’t know what to say.
I did laugh a few times and for all of how bad it was it still kicked any Troma films butt.
Discussion:http://zombiehunters.org/forum/viewtopic.php?f=13&t=29988
Boy Eats Girl Review; not Porn
I guess the Memorial Day weekend review a-thon shall continue.
Today’s second movie was the Irish Epic Zombie Film Boy Eats Girl.
As always spoilers will be all over the place.
The basic premise of the movie is simple.
Boy Likes Girl, Boy is going to ask girl to date him, girl shows up late, boy later thinks girl is giving school lead jock a BJ, Boy drinks and contemplates suicide by playing with a noose in his room in front of the door, Mom opens door, Boy dies, Mom reanimates Boy with ancient Voodoo spell.
Ok so it is not too common a theme, or is it? The entire time I was watching it all I could think of was the really bad Zombie movie My Boyfriends Back.
In this fine movie after being reanimated our hero pisses of the girl he loves and then bites a school bully at the end of semester Disco (those wacky Irish).
School bully comes back as a regular zombie, and proceeds to add to the shambling horde one bite at a time.
It takes half the movie to get there but we finally start getting some great bloodshed, decapitations, poor use of lawn equipment, and even new uses for lawn lights.
Our heroes mom finds out that her son can be cured by the bite of a snake that just happens to live in the same crypt as the zombie book. Thank goodness for that because as I recall Ireland HAS NO SNAKES, some saint we all like to drink to took care of them.
Well in the end half the senior class as well as a good portion of the town end up dead, but our hero gets to be a real live boy again.
The zombies moved a bit fast and no one way to kill them was ever settled on. Also no guns in the entire movie. I mean this is Ireland; don’t they all have guns there so they can fight the Brits? Also the Boy NEVER EATS A GIRL, talk about false advertising (they do have one oral sex joke based on the movie title but it is not very good).
It seems this movie was a rewrite of a bad American movie and just tried to up the gore so they could make a few extra bucks off the Shaun of the Dead phenomenon.
I can’t wait to see what fun I will watch next.
Discussion:http://zombiehunters.org/forum/viewtopic.php?f=13&t=29942
Zombiegeddon Review; or why we should all hate Troma
Ok the final (hopefully) review for Saturday of Memorial Day Weekend 2008.
Zombigeddon AKA A Troma Piece of Garbage.
Those of us who try to watch every Zombie film that comes out (I am looking at you here Kristan) sometimes have to view garbage that would choke a maggot. To quote a buddy of mine this movie stunk so badly it would knock a buzzard of a crap wagon.
Now it is not the worst Troma movie ever; but trying to categorize how bad a Troma movie can be is like trying to compare if being analy assaulted by Thor or Gundown is worse. They are all bad.
I guess I should at least touch on the plot. Zombies are being sent by Satan to take over the world. The only person who can stop them is the blood descendent of Gods zombie killers. He is a super corrupt cop who does drugs, kills innocent people and according to one person “rapes prisoners both male and female”. Bad special effects ensue.
There are a few topless women and ohh yeah they let Tom Savini play Jesus (like he needs that going to his head.
The zombies are basically demons and there is no infection. They can move fast, do Karate, and talk. They just look ugly. In reality Zombiegeddon does not even really have zombies.
And to add insult to injury they claim to have Ron Jeremy in the Movie but he is only a voice cameo on a radio show for like 2 seconds.
In conclusion DO NOT EVER SEE THIS MOVIE.
Ohh yeah and Lloyd Kaufman and Troma SUCK.
Thank you
Discussionhttp://zombiehunters.org/forum/viewtopic.php?f=13&t=29949