Once-men

[Laager]

Enjoyed the story, looking forward to some moar......

[angelofwar]

Wow...only read 3 sections, but, pretty awesome stuff...let's ya step-back and think about your own plans and how quickly things could fall apart...tagged for further reading...must...have...MOAR (drool)

[nimdabew]

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[angelofwar]

Finally! Good stuff as always nimbadew!!! Can't wait to read more! The "Zombie" 'Not knowing', coupled with the slight hints a real survival...good stuff!

[GotMak]

Good read! Is it just me, or was that Sal guy a tad creepy with his comment about seeing little Mary again, or just prescient? Maybe as a father I'm just paranoid.

[Manliest]

Thank God you're not dead....maybe you'll post again soon? This is a great beginning.

[Nancy1340]

Very good story. Thank you.

[Rumsfeld]

***

[stetson]

Need MOAR!!!!!!

[nimdabew]

I realized you posted the first entry many months ago so I may be editing a draft. Let me know so I can edit your more recent stuff. Here are my comments and suggestions for your first entry of "Day 1."


-”the woman who saw them too late” / Sounds awkward. Rewrite it.
-”Mark though as he tried move as silently as possible” / Turn "move" to "moved."
-”I hope that she is watching” / Take out the word “that.”
-”neighbor he would never see alive again” / The phrase “never see alive again” needs to be rewritten. It's awkward.
-”if more children survive like my little girl.” / This is awkward. Rewrite this.

Overall, the plot is not too bad. I didn't see too many errors. As I read more I will have more to say on characters and the story.

It's a first draft with no peer editing yet. If you want me to send you the entire story and then have you edit it, I am all for it!

[nimdabew]

Is it just me, or was that Sal guy a tad creepy with his comment about seeing little Mary again, or just prescient?

I am going to give you a hint and highlight the meaning of that. I may reword the passage so it sounds less creepy, but that is the way that the dialogue is playing out in my head as I write it. The character is going to need a lot more development than that one meeting will show, and Sal will *definitely* be showing up again in the story.

[Rumsfeld]

***

[justin12234]

i demand moar

[Nancy1340]

***

Hey look! ! Rummy gave it three stars.




Just teasing Rumey.

[nimdabew]

.

[Nancy1340]

Happy dance, happy dance.

Thank you.

[nimdabew]

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[Nancy1340]

More excitement! Thanks

[angelofwar]

Well done again! This is getting good!!! Thanks, and keep up the good work. Must...have...MOAR!!!!

[223shootersc]

good stuff, looks like Ce Cee was looking for love in all the wrong places

[justin12234]

want moar, you cut it off just as it was getting interesting lol

[nimdabew]

want moar, you cut it off just as it was getting interesting lol

I believe this is called a cliff hanger.

[nimdabew]

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[223shootersc]

thanks for the new chapter, good stuff