How to tell your girlfriend she is fat.

[RachelBB]

Sounds like you've already hit on what I was thinking. If you want her to start moving more, after dinner hold out your hand and say "It's a nice night. Will you go for a walk with me?" Start with ten minutes or so, whatever she can tolerate. You don't want to make her miserable so she won't do it again. Start at a strolling pace if need be. Chat, connect, just enjoy being with each other. Make that a little ritual.

Going deeper, she has to want to change. I know, that's pretty basic but often overlooked. I was almost that heavy (and shorter) for many years before it just clicked in me to eat differently. I can tell you the things that have made the biggest difference for me. If she's ready to read/view them or not, and believe them or not is out of every one else's control.

Weston Price foundation. Their info on diabetes and metabolic disorders was my conversion. I don't agree with everything they say, but it's a nice start.
The Leptin Diet by Dr Byron Richards, or any of the leptin books by him. Don't let her get sucked into Dr Kruse's leptin reset, it's very convoluted and difficult. If she's like me she'll cry reading Dr Richard's, cause it hits so close to home.
Primal Blueprint by Mark Sissom, or Mark's Daily Apple website. Personally, I like it cause it has pics of this great looking guy with his shirt off. And he's not a young man!
Fat Head, the movie. It's available on Netflix, and was great for my husband to watch. I liked his sarcastic attitude.

Those are some great places to start. If you've bunged things up recently, you may have to let things settle out before bringing anything up soonly.

Chantrea--congratulations!!! I'm kinda stuck at 60 lbs lost, about half of what I wanted to lose. I'm restarting Atkins induction to kick things back in gear, five pounds down so far! How are you doing at maintainance?

[Chantrea]

Maintenance is going well, Rachel--though I don't feel I can say "sucessful" until I hit the 1 year of maintenance mark next year. My "new" goal is to qualify for the National Weight Control Registry (a study that tracks people who have maintained at least 30 lbs of weight loss for over 1 year, to help contribute to the research about long term long term weight loss--once you're in you're in, so they can compile how maintenance goes over the long haul).

It took me a really long time to move out of 'weight loss' mode. I was starting to feel gross because I was not losing 2lbs a week like I was accustomed to, even though intellectually I knew that the loss would stop eventually (or if it didn't I was in even deeper shit than being fat!).

I have a large circle of friends who have maintained 60+ lbs weight loss for anywhere from 3 to 20 years. There is not a single one of them who did so without incorporating activity of some kind. They're not all athletes or anything, but they are active. I have found that I love TRX and weights, and am considering becoming a fitness coach for people who are just starting out and are obese. I started a running program 6 months ago and literally spent the first month chanting "I hate running, I hate running" the entire time; but now I love it, I'm training for a 5k this summer, but have my sights set on a half marathon next year, and may start training for a triathalon because now that kind of stuff sounds *fun* to me.

I think that is where crash and strict dieting gets people into trouble; yes, you can lose a lot of weight but eventually you will be out of the weight loss phase and what then? Are you really committed to weighing/measuring the rest of your life and adhering to a strict food plan? That's not really how I want to live. Finding the balance has been tricky but I feel pretty sure of it now. Even when I have slip ups and/or relapses, now I know it means I need to get my ass to my therapist/dietician/support group/friends who have BTDT and deal with the real problem instead of behaving like an addict; it's yet to impact my weight because a) it doesn't happen often and b) I have the support system and tools to ensure that it is temporary, not daily like it was at the worst point of my life. I did spend some time in a fairly restrictive diet but that was more about having real meals, not snacking all day, and not starving/gorging than a specific eat-this-not-that food plan. I know that works for some people, but I know myself and I know I am not capable of doing something like that for the rest of my life so I stopped, and the weight loss continued.

[Captain_Obvious]

When I started working out hard and looking good and it made my wife start working out. She didn't need to lose weight, but it motivated her to anyway.

[Vicarious_Lee]

I was one of those "Fat boys" in the Army. I had to get taped every time we did a PT test because i failed the BMI every single time. I passed my PT test with flying colors but still was put under counseling status because my BMI didnt settle with what the magic graph said it should. I am short and "Thick" bodied but was never fat. I could do 100 plus proper pushups at a a time, climb the ropes with out using my legs and haul big ass tankers out of little holes but I still ranked right there with the "fat boys" So I hold the BMI in some what of disdain...

Yeah man. So you're fit and you know it, BMI be damned. What Duo and I are saying is that if you're NOT fit, then you can't play off your obesity because "BMI isn't that accurate" so I'm not that fat. Yeah, you are.

Like I said, my BMI is 26 and I'm actually LESS fit that even that number suggests.

Only people that aren't in good shape really need the BMI to help them, and it is a very well-studied measure in terms of unhealthy people and comorbidities.

Also, Dr. Oz can choke on a donkey, because one thing about fat people is that it's not only easier, it's better that they are FIT before they're thin.

Besides, I've found that people who are fit but not thin are more sexed-up than those that are thin but not fit.

[Tater Raider]

I'll take V_Lee's thing a step further and say that a Sumo, as large as they are, are fitter than a thin person who doesn't exersize at all. Personal opinion and it may be incorrect but it is mine so go find your own.

BMI is a tool, nothing more or less, and does not indicate fitness. It does indicate body mass versus height. That's useful, seriously, but not the end-all, be-all of measuring a healthy lifestyle (diet + exersize). Again, my opinions and not those of a pro from Dover.

As for me, I go mostly according to what my doc clears because they are a pro and I should consult with her. I've been strongly cautioned on weight training, but walking is good and once I resolves something I should be back to light canoeing and light-moderate bicycling whgich, in turn, will help the fitness with some moderate weight loss that will free me up from the restrictions on my exercize - see how it becomes a vicious circle?

If she wants to get serious, and this is completely on her, she should consult a pro for clearence to do whatever just because it's the smart thing to do and ER visits for chest pain suck.

[the_alias]

I'll take V_Lee's thing a step further and say that a Sumo, as large as they are, are fitter than a thin person who doesn't exersize at all. Personal opinion and it may be incorrect but it is mine so go find your own.

Yeah but Sumo wrestlers can't even see their own dicks...

Back OT: Why not instigate a fat tax at home? Charge your girlfriend more if she wants to buy fatty foods. Carrots and sticks.

[Jeriah]

SuperBanki, what is YOUR height/weight/BMI? Just wondering.

The best advice I can give is, lead from the front. Model the behaviors you want her to adopt.

Examples I try to model (not perfectly, but as much as I can): Get up every morning and make a smoothie consisting of nothing but fresh or frozen fruit and juice, plus some hemp protein powder. Bring her some. Hit the gym whenever your schedule allows, and invite her to come with. Don't push, just invite her, every time, and (this is key), go whether or not she wants to come with. Lunch can be a salad, mostly greens and vegetables; don't load it up with ham, egg, cheese, and ranch dressing; that defeats the purpose. Dinner should include a salad, protein should be lean like a bonelesss skinless chicken breast, baked fish, etc. Eat nothing fried. Bike to work if you can, etc.

The key isn't the specifics, it's that you identify healthful behaviors, adopt them yourself, make sure she knows you're doing them, and invite her to participate. One of two things will happen. Either she will follow along, eat well because you are, work out because you are, and lose weight, or she won't. If you're hitting the gym every day, eating lean, etc., and she's watching TV and eating fried chicken...well, around the time you're a perfectly sculpted Adonis, and she still looks like the dependopotamus from Terminal Lance, that's the time for a harsh relationship conversation.

If you've been kind, loving, and understanding, but she just won't follow your example, then hell, maybe you need to compassionately and ethically break up with her. She'll either take it as a wake-up call and unfuck herself, in which case you can get back together, or she won't, in which case you can date the hot yoga instructor who keeps chatting you up at the gym because you're totally ripped and sexy.

[Tater Raider]

I'll take V_Lee's thing a step further and say that a Sumo, as large as they are, are fitter than a thin person who doesn't exersize at all. Personal opinion and it may be incorrect but it is mine so go find your own.

Yeah but Sumo wrestlers can't even see their own dicks...

Or wipe their own butts.

[duodecima]

Only people that aren't in good shape really need the BMI to help them, and it is a very well-studied measure in terms of unhealthy people and comorbidities.

Also, Dr. Oz can choke on a donkey, because one thing about fat people is that it's not only easier, it's better that they are FIT before they're thin.

I'll take V_Lee's thing a step further and say that a Sumo, as large as they are, are fitter than a thin person who doesn't exersize at all. Personal opinion and it may be incorrect but it is mine so go find your own.

I'm actually going to agree a bit more with Tater's statement, and there's evidence. Thin, non-fit people have worse overall health outcomes than "fat but fit." So, at first, forget BMI, get in shape! (Yes, self, I'm lookin' at YOU!!! Except I'm also overweight. ). Now, healthy-weight fit people STILL have better long term health outcomes than fit, obese people. So, do pay some attention to BMI even when you're in shape. Frankly, the eyeball/pinch tests usually do it. If you (or someone with no investment in it) looks at you and says, yeah, I can see/pinch a generous amount of fat, and your BMI is over 30, you should loose some of that. I've met guys who were NOT at all obese, and had a BMI over 30 - they were very serious weight lifters (and ate very healthy diets), and you could tell by looking at them. So folks like docdredd who may have a discrepency between BMI and what they think their body fat % is, go get somebody professional to measure that, if you can.

The majority of Americans are overweight to obese - just being not as fat as everybody around us doesn't automatically make us OK. I get called thin. Which is BS, my BMI is 27-28, and my health will be better if I not only get in shape (altho that's first) but loose some weight.

[MacAttack]

How to tell your girlfriend she is fat.


If it were me.

First place a loaded hand gun in her hand.
Second think, think hard, about what your about to say and how your about to say it.
Third, duck, fast. There is no way, no matter what, or how you say it that she will not hear 'your fat girl'.

[ace of shades]

Losing weight is as much physical as psychological.

After jumping to 220lbs I opted for the easy way out and started chewing copenhagen again. After 3 months of it I am down to 197lbs. It was taking one vice and going back to another. From eating when bored and constantly snacking on un-healthy shit back to tobacco use. On that same note, I may be loosing weight, but my physical abilities are gone. My lung capacity is absolute dog shit, I could job from here to my truck and be winded and its right outside the door. Like the other posters have said It's not just about looking at a scale and seeing the number lower, you also have to take into account the fitness part of it all - Being a 20 on the BMI doesn't mean jack if you can't walk a mile




[background information]
From 15 on I was 150, and me being short (5'5") that put me at the very top of "normal" sliding into "over weight". I graduated in 01 and got a highly physical job (pulling green chain in a lumber mill) and dropped down to 115 for a year, In the last part of that year I ended up getting sideways with some bad "recreational" drugs and dropped down to about 95. Got fired, cleaned up and got a less demanding, but still physical job. I levelled out at about 130 for 3 years. During this time I was smoking two packs of reds A DAY, on top of chewing a full can of copenhagen a day. I went back to school for a career change (graduated from there in 07 *side note* GREAT time to start looking for a new job ). Started a less demanding job in a body shop that was next to a convenience store. Over the next 5 years I went from 140 up to around 160; After smoking 2 packs a day for 10 years it was time to quit. I continued my smokeless tobacco use but my hands were bored so I filled this with time at the convenience store. Add 25 pounds. I then said it was time to stop tobacco use all together, Did it with ease, but the lack of something in my mouth or hands (shut up) turned into eating - constantly. After no tobacco products for 2 years I was pushing 220lbs
[/background information]

[Murph]

<putting moderator hat on>

Thank you, Murph, for proactively editing your post. I'd appreciate it if people kept the responses helpful, and non-mocking, please.

</mod>

LOL... It just goes to show people get offended over the silliest stuff.

And I still don't know why people are arguing about the BMI. Seriously, you don't need BMI to know if you're fat. The extra pounds go somewhere, you'll be able to see those pounds in the mirror.

And the whole fitness before fatloss argument is stupid too. How many overweight marathon runners are out there? How many overweight olympic swimmers? etc etc. Common sense should prevail here, folks. And the example about Sumos... Sumos know how to leverage their weight. That doesn't make them athletic, it just makes them fatties who know how to put their weigh to work for them in the context of a pretty simplistic sport.

It's simple: EAT LESS CALORIES, BE LESS FAT.

For instance... This morning for breakfast I had nature's twinkie, the banana, and some OJ. Lunch was a homemade cheese burger and gatorade. I'll probably have a snack bag of chips later this afternoon. Then a short workout when I get home. Then dinner will probably be some chicken and veggies. And then I'll probably have a beer and rice cakes later while I watch some TV or play a video game.

All of that is eating fairly health, and will also put me in a calorie deficit for the day. If I'm in calorie deficit for the week, I lose weight. If I stay in calorie deficit for the month, I lose more weight. It's not rocket science.

[Tater Raider]

I don't get upset at it nowadays. I do like to point out other perspectives whenever I think there is another way to look at something though.

As far as leverage? Leveraging that much weight that's trying it's best to out leverage you + moving your own weight + the amount of work it takes to maintain balance + the speed and violence that these matches happen at + it's a freakin' martial art trumps "it's leverage". They are dedicated athletes plain and simple and all I've tried to point out is that fat and fit aren't mutually exclusive and used sumo wrestlers as an example.

Worth watching:

match starts at 3:35


My possition: Thin and fit beats fat and fit. Fat and fit beats thin and unfit. Thin and unfit beats your average American (I kid but it's true and everyone here knows it).

I slowly modified the diet so it becomes something I didn't jump into then get sick of and quit. While I was at it, I began walking. The pounds have been slowly melting away, I've added muscle mass, and breathing has become easier, which is healthy. Sometimes I even run up a flight of stairs 2 at a time now and get to the top and am not winded where once walking up one flight would wind me. True story.

[Silent Kube]

Many football linemen are what the world would consider morbidly obese but you can't tell me there's a one of them that's not fit. I guarantee they put their bodies through shit that would break most people down.

[Murph]

So wait... let me see if I have this straight. You guys are trying to justify being fat just because Sumos and Linebackers are? Okay, if you all happened to be either, we'll talk, but aside from that, fat is fat... There's no super athlete under all the jelly rolls.

[phil_in_cs]

Linebackers and sumos can deadlift 600lbs too.

Linebacker results from the recent combines:
http://www.steelersdepot.com/2012-nfl-c ... nebackers/

Looking at Mr Baker, 2nd on list, 5'11 and 238. He ran a 4.88 40 yards and benched 225lbs for 30 reps. That's athletic, and I picked him as he's relatively short and heavy.

[Vicarious_Lee]

And the whole fitness before fatloss argument is stupid too. Common sense should prevail here, folks. And the example about Sumos... Sumos know how to leverage their weight. That doesn't make them athletic, it just makes them fatties who know how to put their weigh to work for them in the context of a pretty simplistic sport.

This, and there are studies out there to back me up, is completely wrong just to be clear. How many Olympic swimmers and marathon runners are out there, period? That's kind of an absurd example.

It is better to be fit and fat than thin and not fit, and it is possible. I personally know someone with a BMI near 30 that completes full marathons, but that's taking single examples and extremes of population groups to use as a kind of general assumption.

[Tater Raider]

So wait... let me see if I have this straight. You guys are trying to justify being fat just because Sumos and Linebackers are? Okay, if you all happened to be either, we'll talk, but aside from that, fat is fat... There's no super athlete under all the jelly rolls.

I did no such thing. I did point out that fat does not automatically mean unfit. If you want to infer that I am saying I am fat and fit that's your issue, not mine.

To be clear: I'm fat and getting fit which is resulting in me losing weight and I don't give a damn if you like that or not. I'm doing it for me, not you and your preconceived notions, and I'm sharing what I know, what I've been advised by nutritionists, registered nurses, and my doctor, and my opinons for the benefit of the OP, not you.


Back on topic: I like the idea of handing the girlfriend a loaded gun before saying anything.

[the_alias]

It is better to be fit and fat than thin and not fit, and it is possible. I personally know someone with a BMI near 30 that completes full marathons, but that's taking single examples and extremes of population groups to use as a kind of general assumption.

I find this hard to believe in light of the body of evidence I have seen that shows long term health problems of people who are overweight.

Can you expand or link me to something Lee? Perhaps you could also define 'not fit' - if you are talking "hidden obesity" which is a normal BMI but an obese amount of fat I follow but otherwise I'm struggling to see this person you and others present as this 'thin and not fit'.

I'm 6ft and 158lbs - so my BMI is 21.6. I also know my fat mass and muscle mass but that isn't relevant here I don't think...

Assume that instead of that I had a BMI of 18 (aka underweight) are you suggesting I would have less long term health problems than someone with a BMI of 31? (I picked the closest into the zones for BMI on purpose as this is the border line part of discussion as I understand it

[Tater Raider]

Here's some links, alias:

The Guardian
Chicago Now
Google Books
Hindustan Times

They reference specific studies. I hope that's helpful.

[duodecima]

It is better to be fit and fat than thin and not fit, and it is possible. I personally know someone with a BMI near 30 that completes full marathons, but that's taking single examples and extremes of population groups to use as a kind of general assumption.

I find this hard to believe in light of the body of evidence I have seen that shows long term health problems of people who are overweight.

Can you expand or link me to something Lee? Perhaps you could also define 'not fit' - if you are talking "hidden obesity" which is a normal BMI but an obese amount of fat I follow but otherwise I'm struggling to see this person you and others present as this 'thin and not fit'.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/health/sns-201202071730--tms--premhnstr--k-h20120208feb08,0,448166.story
This is a lay press review of a couple studies but it's accurate.

I can't at the moment quickly locate the formal study that divided people into 4 groups by weight and fitness. It was best to be a healthy weight fit person, and worst to be obese and out of shape. But IN THE MIDDLE, the active person with good fitness with a BMI of 30+ did better than the normal-weight couch potato. I will add the link to that study when I find it.

Now, define "active" or "fit" is a fair question. I believe they were pretty sedentary folks in that category. I get a lot of "but I move around all day at work" which doesn't cut it unless you are doing heavy manual labor. Takehome point - we all gotta be able to outrun the zombies, and not just for 1-2 minutes.

[ace of shades]

What people are saying is that they would rather be 200lbs and run a 8 minute mile than weigh 120lbs and WALK a 20 minute mile winded

As far as the sumo/linebacker swimmer/pro runner They may be considered in shape by the population but the BMI says they are obese or grossly under weight. But their trainers probably take other things into consideration. If you're built like a brick shit house and can run 15 yard sprints for 30 minutes the BMI isn't something you're looking at, and the same goes for someone swimming 100 to 200 meters and eats like a horse but burns 1000 calories in 5 minutes.
As far as "normal" people go, the BMI is a starting point. It doesn't take into consideration of your body type or any other thing, Its an average of what people are. If your BMI is 30, but you're in good physical health it doesn't matter, If your BMI is in the low 20's *where they say most people should be* and you're not physically healthy .. it doesn't matter..

What started out as basically "Ideas to nonchalantly get someone to work out" turned into arguing about the science behind the BMI and under weight/over weight health - A certain special Olympics meme keeps popping up in the back of my mind

[Bunni]

Its all a trade off, too fat gives you health problems, and too skinny gives you health problems. America has an obsession, and its generally ridiculous (food or fitness).

Wanna get your woman to loose weight, well the first thing you need to do is make her feel bad about herself. If you love your woman you really wouldn't want to do that. Here is a couple of ways to make a woman want to change. (by making her feel bad about herself, because that is what motivates people) To go about it right you need to target yourself and add her to it. By doing so you aren't attacking her:

1. Mirrors. Buy lots of full bodied mirrors. Hard to ignore the truth when you can't avoid it.

2. Feel bad about yourself and be vocal about it. "I'm fat, I need to loose weight cause I look gross."

3. Honesty. "Honey, I am concerned about our health. We are fat, and fat kills."

4. Use association. "Honey where are those jeans/dress I got you back when we first dated. It was hot you should wear it."

5. Personal life changes that drag her in. Go on a diet, go on morning and evening walks, before breakfast and after dinner. When she asks, tell her that you are unhappy with yourself, because you are fat and need to get healthy. Get out of the house and go do fun stuff like hiking or city walks.

Women are extremely intuitive, she will get the point. If she still doesn't care, then why change her? It is a personal choice to loose weight. In my life i just go straight honest. Truth hurts, but it is respected.

[Vicarious_Lee]

What started out as basically "Ideas to nonchalantly get someone to work out" turned into arguing about the science behind the BMI and under weight/over weight health - A certain special Olympics meme keeps popping up in the back of my mind

Perfectly said. This thread is about tips on how to reduce weight and improve health in someone who is dangerously overweight, and as per usual everyone (including me) is simply pissing a different flavor of urine onto the same point.

All this talk of extreme-end examples like sumo wrestlers, linebackers, homeless skinny crackheads, and chain-smoking wiry couch potatoes is pointless.

1. Being unfit is bad.
2. Being fat is bad.
3. BMI is GENERALLY an effective tool to measure obesity and has good correlations for health outcomes backed by population-based literature that, like all standards, is poorly applicable to extreme examples.
4. It is possible but not probable to be healthy and have a high physical reserve with a high BMI, or even being obese.
5. It is possible but not probable to be of a normal weight and be a complete sack of shit that can't climb 3 flights of stairs without getting winded. I'm living proof.
6. It's time to stop this Cold War in this thread between the hardcore gym rats and the people who are a little overweight jousting with goalposts to either try and justify being a little overweight (which, IIRC, absolutely no one has done yet), or to justify looking down on anyone that's a little overweight.

OP: I hope you've got decent information. I don't recall if someone mentioned maybe seeing a counselor if that's something you have access to, but it has been mentioned that there may be a lot of psychological issues as to why your GF is so heavy.