How to tell your girlfriend she is fat.

[HKTackDriver]

Been there, done that. You need to tell her that she's gained weight and don't beat around the bush. If she reacts like an idiot, think long and hard on whether you stick with her long term. Generally, excercise habits don't get much better as we age.

[Tater Raider]

That makes a difference.

I cut back on carb intake dramatically and began walking and drop 10 pounds in a week and 30 pounds over a year. This isn't loss and regain either, it's loss and kept off. the more I lose the more active I become and the more I lose and the more.... you get the idea.

Diet and exercise, cut back the carbohydrates and go for walks at a decent pace, just enough make it so you are doing something and not just puttering along. the pounds didn't go on all at once so don't expect them to come off all at once.

I hope to be at my goal weight in another year, maybe 2 FWIW. No, I'm not that big, but I am taking my time. Like I said, it didn't go on all at once.

[Vicarious_Lee]

Thanks for the suggestions everyone. I'd like to point out it isn't just a 10 lb overweightness, or the "freshman 15", there is a serious medical concern for it. she is 5'7, and currently weighs 280. I talked to her a bit this morning and it looks like we will start off with walks around the neighborhood at night at first.

So her calculated BMI is just over HOLY SHIT!!

It's almost 44.

That's not overweight, that's quite pathologic, and she's an overeater, because even as inactive as adipose tissue is, she's gotta be bringing in 3,000 calories or more a day just to maintain that (stupid guess, can someone give an actual estimated number?). Probably more. To do it healthily, she's going to need years to get that off. She is either completely uneducated about nutrition, or has an eating disorder. Or both.

BMI is an EXCELLENT tool. It's quick, easy, and there's a LOT of literature on BMI and health concerns correlating. The only time it's not a good tool is if it says you're fat because you're so athletic and healthy, and so L33T at your fitness level that you have more dense muscle than you normally would have.

If you overweight and out of shape, and your BMI says you overweight and out of shape, it's because you overweight and out of shape.

ETA: For example, my BMI is 26.2, which is technically slightly overweight and probably out of shape. However, I know damn good and well I'm overweight and out of shape, and in fact my BMI is probably understated because I don't have as much muscle as I should. It's a VERY good tool if you know how to use it, and it's VERY easy to learn that.

[Murph]

I decided to see what all this BMI bitchin is about:
http://www.webmd.com/diet/calc-bmi-plus/

I fall into the "Healthy" categories. So there you go.

There is also a Food & Fitness Planner if you need help with a plan:
http://www.webmd.com/diet/food-fitness- ... calculator

I think it's a shame that people ignore the fact that the gluttonous fat-body life style kills.

[crypto]

Type II diabetes is a valid health concern, carrying around an extra 10 pounds isn't, and "I'm fat" can be a matter of perception.

she is 5'7, and currently weighs 280.

Yep. Thats fat.

[Murph]

*clipped*

[Chantrea]

In the last year I have lost almost 100 lbs. Went from morbidly obese to now 4 lbs from 'normal' according to the BMI. (and I'm pretty sure I have more than 4 lbs of loose skin. )

Losing weight is hard. It's not just about cutting calories and upping exercise--especially, as Lee points out, at THAT level of obesity (and I know, I was almost there) you are in the habit of binging. Unless you have been there you have no fucking clue how hard it is to give that up, especially if it is a coping mechanism.

Also, not to be graphic, but once you are older and you have been that obese for that long, for most people except those with very nice skin genes, it's disfiguring. I'll never look like I "should" at my weight without surgery. It's something that I've had to accept. And you know what? THAT is fucking hard too. I'd probably drop 2 extra sizes if I had an abdominoplasty, and that's simply not going to change. I'm not sure that I could bear to be with an unaccepting partner, who was a dick while I was fat, because I can guarantee you that most people would have preferred how I looked naked pre-weight loss than now, if they don't like extra skin. It's humiliating, and not something to be taken lightly, especially for women. I personally feel that the rewards are worth it, but it's taken time to get there, and I now do truly understand why many women freak out when you lose a certain amount and *see* the effects it can have.

My advice would be to encourage her to see/find a dietician that specializes in significant weight loss. (even if she has to go to several to find one she clicks with) Crash dieting or even starting a huge exercise program cold turkey can lead to some serious issues that make it even harder to start on a sane program.

She should get a full physical first--because often the first exciting improvements you see are BP and other things like that. Measurements over weight--at first. Is there a Y near you? I'm sure each one is different, but I found a whole network of extremely supportive people there. You may not be her best support, and you will not be enough. And it's going to effect more of your life than feeling nice about how your girlfriend looks. It takes time. She may not put up with someone who isn't nice, once she gets the confidence that comes from taking time to work on herself and seeing results--just sayin'. I know that I drew new boundaries for myself with my family, my partner, and friends as well--and they were not always what my loved ones wanted to hear. I felt more empowered to kick unsupportive and mean people to the curb, and I did.

If it's only the body you care about, get a new girlfriend. If you love her and are willing to stick it out once those changes start happening (and some of them will probably be difficult), then just be prepared that that much weight loss is going to be a pretty intense commitment.

[Chantrea]

<putting moderator hat on>

Thank you, Murph, for proactively editing your post. I'd appreciate it if people kept the responses helpful, and non-mocking, please.

</mod>

[SuperBanki]

I'd just like to point out, I'm not trying to get her to exercise for looks sake. I'm trying to get her to exercise so she is more healthy, and able to do more.

[Chantrea]

What kind of "do more" do you mean?

If you guys already enjoy hiking/biking/walking, then that's easier, you just plan more of it. As long as you're not all of a sudden deciding to go on an 8 mile difficult trail on a whim, just getting out every weekend instead of every month will start to have an impact. She probably is not going to lose 50 lbs doing that, but it will be a first step to building endurance and then maybe wanting to push the envelope a bit.

Or do you guys not do any of that, but you want to start?

I had to start just doing one thing I love (dance). After I saw some improvements in my stamina/ability to kick it up a bit, then I got interested in expanding it. First with a personal training small group with some friends from dance class, and then I had so much fun I went more hard core. Then I decided to run a 5k so I started the Couch to 5k program. I don't think I would have been successful STARTING with the running, because I thought I hated running. I needed to get there gradually, with more confidence, and more tolerance for pushing through something. I didn't have that at the beginning.

But I wouldn't have (and still will not) go get on a cardio machine or whatever "just because". That kind of boring shit makes me feel like a trapped animal. I did it while recovering from an injury, but it was torture. Other people like it, and need to do something like that to branch out into other things. (or they're happy to stay there, whatever works).

Is there anything that you currently do now that could be expanded?

[BigDaddyTX]

Not to beat the BMI thing to death, but when I lose all the weight I can lose, I'm still 6'4" and 230-235 which is 28.6 BMI, aka overweight, but I'd have nothing left to lose. That's not counting if I workout while losing the weight which can put me at 240 or so.

Yeah, it's been a few years since I've been at that weight and I put it back on like a good little statistic, but it hasn't been that long, of course I crippled myself literally by losing 2-5 pounds a week for a year without working out at all, so don't do that, you have to work out while losing weight or you'll suffer for it. Trust.

[Regular Guy]

Exercise science major to the rescue:

Step 1: Either you do this or have her do it. Have her write down everything that she eats in a day. Even water. Then she hands the list off to you. There are a few good sites that tell you how many calories are in each food item by weight. You need to calculate every thing. Do this for 2 weeks. Then show her how much shes eating and how much she should eat. After the two weeks keep up with the list.

Anyone that over weight is not going to stop cold turkey. Don't even focus on weight loss. Focus on reducing the number of calories she taking in. Make a big deal about even reducing her intake by 100.

Then remove all the ho-ho tastey snacky treats. You have to explain to her they are like poison because they are to her. That stuff is killing her. There are lots of 100 calorie snack packs out there. Fill that pantry with those.

All that is step one. I really don't see the point of any exercise for her apart from mild paced walking for 30 minutes a day. Anything else until she loses at least 75 lbs will lead directly to an injury. She needs to focus on eating less more often.

[DJH]

Another big way to cut calorie intake is to dump sodas. Replace with water or tea, fruit juice (NOT PUNCH/ETC.)

Sodas have shitloads of unnecessary calories. One 12oz can is like 300-600 depending on brand/etc.

On another note, I've been sober/caffeine free for 13 years now. It seems to have also had an effect. Although I know most weight loss/control supplements rely upon caffeine, I'm not sure it's a good thing. Took a year to get over the withdrawls, shakes etc. from removing it from my diet, but now I seem to have more energy then ever before.

[Regular Guy]

Another big way to cut calorie intake is to dump sodas. Replace with water or tea, fruit juice (NOT PUNCH/ETC.)

Sodas have shitloads of unnecessary calories. One 12oz can is like 300-600 depending on brand/etc.

On another note, I've been sober/caffeine free for 13 years now. It seems to have also had an effect. Although I know most weight loss/control supplements rely upon caffeine, I'm not sure it's a good thing. Took a year to get over the withdrawls, shakes etc. from removing it from my diet, but now I seem to have more energy then ever before.

+ 506948 on soda. Liquid death. If you drink it should be very sparingly. If you need caffeine, drink coffee. Just coffee maybe with non fat creamer. Coffee is almost zero calorie. Caffeine in moderation is not bad you just need to drink more water to counter it's dehydrating effect. It actually has a lot of anti oxidants.

[DJH]

Yeah I can't have caffeine or alcohol because of arrhythmia.

[ptAltered]

I'm at a loss for some of these answers. Do you love your girlfriend? Are you telling her that she's fat out of spite or out of a desire to help her improve? Why would you "love" someone that you can't have an honest talk with?

Cook a nice healthy meal for you both, go out for a walk and when you return suggest that you both should turn more attention to your weight and health and that you'd love to start doing that sort of thing with her. If you're both serious about it there's nothing wrong with having some accountability, keeping each other in line with workouts and diet. The best motivator is positive energy so make sure you're both congratulating each other as the lbs fall off.

[Regular Guy]

Yeah I can't have caffeine or alcohol because of arrhythmia.

Oh yeah no coffee for you my friend.

[DarkAxel]

I'd just like to point out, I'm not trying to get her to exercise for looks sake. I'm trying to get her to exercise so she is more healthy, and able to do more.

For people who have been overweight most of their lives, there is a huge psychological component to their eating habits that needs to be addressed, or any weight loss will be temporary at best.

Here's just a sample of some of the mental issues that can contribute to bad eating habits and obesity:

1. Food Addiction. Us humans can become addicted to anything. Some of those things are blatant in their danger to our health, like narcotics, but food is something we all need, and it's impossible to go cold turkey from it.

2. Chronic Depression.

3. Physical or Emotional abuse. This includes but is not limited to child abuse, harassment and teasing as a child, and sexual abuse.

A crucial component to successful weight-loss is self esteem and self image. For people who have struggled with those their whole lives, regular visits to mental health professionals are just as important as a dietitian or a personal trainer.

[duodecima]

BMI's are kind of BS tho. They don't take into account fat % to muscle ratio, just weight really.

Pretty sure this only skews it for pro athletes like Rugby players or American Football players.

It skews it for me. I've got a crapload of muscle mass (mostly lower body) but my BMI shows me to be rather overweight. I'm 6'1" and 270, again, with the 23% body fat. So yes, I am overwieght, but not as badly as my BMI suggests (33 something IIRC.))

BMI is not the last word in healthy weight but it is correct for the majority of folks. (Including me.). Folks like DHJ, who've gotten relatively accurate body fat measurements, that's fantastic. Mostly, tho, "well, I've got a lot of muscle" or " I'm big boned" are just denial.

Weight targets can be individualized. Going from 280 to 240 still doesn't put you at a completely healthy weight but it's a hell of a lot better than not loosing, and anybody who's done it deserves a pat on the back.

[Phoenix David]

Medifast. Get on the program and follow it exactly and the weight will come off.

[Nickthezombiehunter]

Really? On a preparedness website your asking how to tell secretly tell someone they are a fatass? Am I missing something? Go ask Dr Oz man. This is zombiehunters not family counseling.

[duodecima]

Really? On a preparedness website your asking how to tell secretly tell someone they are a fatass? Am I missing something? Go ask Dr Oz man. This is zombiehunters not family counseling.

Nah, health and physical fitness is a legit prep issue. Rule #1, y'know.

But seriously, a chunk of the deaths in Katrina were folks who already had a lot of health troubles and either got trapped because of them, or couldn't handle the added stress of the disaster, or were literally being kept alive by their meds and died when they ran out. Money you're not spending on doctor's visits and meds can be spent on preps, or anything else. Less weight, need fewer calories, don't have to store as much food. Zombies, looters, climbing out a window in a fire, or just a trek in the snow because your car's in the ditch - fitness is a vastly overlooked prep.

[DJH]

fitness is a vastly overlooked prep.

This.

[Tater Raider]

fitness is a vastly overlooked prep.

This.

Even I agree with that.