Tales of the Chernyi - update

[TacAir]

Full book is now out.

viewtopic.php?f=11&t=95308

[TacAir]

**

[Nancy1340]

Thanks

[Rumsfeld]

Here are my notes and comments on your first entry.

-“point oh” / I hope this was put in purposely.
-“It goes along way to explain” / This sentence feels awkward. Do you mean “a long?”
-“So, Yuri, what the hell am I going to do” / I don't think it's necessary to repeat his name. Would you ever repeat a person's name when your in conversation with them? Most likely not.
-“'bangers” / Why is there an apostrophe before bangers?
-“Thought you would never ask, Sherman.” / Again, avoid the names. Maybe you think the audience will lose track of who is talking, but trust the reader.
-“Two years. You get beans, bullets and gas. We get a bunch of rats out of our hair. Well?” / That second sentence confused me. What is he referring to, that if he kills Yu they get a bunch of rats out of their hair? Rewrite this sentence.
-“With limited electric service, everyone took turns to heat bath or wash water - the hydro plant still wasn't at full power.” / Many times I like to show rather than tell. The fact that she mentioned its her turn this time to take a bath implicates that there is a shortage of hot water/electricity. This is more a personal style of course and you do it however you want.
-“That got a laugh” / This is the second time you mentioned this statement. I liked it the first time when you said “That earned a laugh” but the second time makes it feel repetitive. Take it out or rewrite in a way that doesn't make it seem repetitive.
-“You forget to tell me” / Did you by purpose make it in present tense to distinguish his dialect and style of language?
-“never looking back.” / This is the second time you mentioned him not looking back. Change this or delete it.
-“wordlessly” / I hate adverbs. Get rid of them as best you can. Maybe you put “without a word.”
-“will be years reestablishing full” / Rewrite this. It doesn't sound write.
-“I was issued a Warrant by the PMA regional Governor to kill or capture Yu to aid in restoring order” / Wouldn't Jake have heard this already when he was briefed by Sherman? He already knows they have to go kill him. What's the point of mentioning this?
-“you would help/"” / Take the slash out and put a period.

Overall, I felt like it was mediocre. The writing became good, then bad, then good, etc. Rewrite this. I liked your imagery at some points. Your plot is good, maybe a little polishing, but good nonetheless. One question to ask is, how can Jake be helpful? What does he do? All I know is that he is scary (according to Yuri) and his wife is cautious. Good luck on the writing.

[TacAir]

**

[Gwynmael]

Tac,
Mystery, mystery, mystery. Liking it so far.

Question - where does this fit in the timeline of the other TOC shorts you've posted? Kindof feels like this is an older/closer to event timeframe.

Thanks,
Gwynmael

[TacAir]

**

[223shootersc]

thanks for the new piece, hope it continues

[TacAir]

This last story has generated a large amunt of feedback, thanks!

I see now that serializing a set of short stories has confused a fair number of readers, esp thoset hat have not read the 3 book series that these shorts are based upon.

I've pulled the Col Yu story for now, pending re-write. It may well deserve it's own book length storyline - it is a bit complicated, and I'm afraid I'm not good enough as yet to 'write small".

I appreciate the feedback from everyone to date - it has been a tremendous help.

I'll post more later - as I have the full set completed. No more serialized work, I promise.

Have fun.

T/A

[MaconCJ7]

So not cool TAC. I just got read up on this one last night, and then you pull it. Such a tease!

Note for everyone: If you have not read the first 3 books, I highly recommend them. He's pulled them from the server, but they're on Amazon at agreeable prices. They are good reads and will get the main story laid out so all of these sub stories make a little more sense.

[TacAir]

So not cool TAC. I just got read up on this one last night, and then you pull it. Such a tease!

Note for everyone: If you have not read the first 3 books, I highly recommend them. He's pulled them from the server, but they're on Amazon at agreeable prices. They are good reads and will get the main story laid out so all of these sub stories make a little more sense.

MY apologies - I hate disappointing my best fan.

You are correct - the first 3 books of the series - now out on Amazon, pretty much much run parallel to each other. All 3 start 'together; - or at the First Strike. See samples at www.worldofthechernyi.com

The Steven Stone short, and the Octavia Stone stories are also parallels, covering the first few days after First Strike.

Lyle's story is 6 to 7 years after First Strike. When questioned about the use of 'a covered wagon' - the answer is simple -- Lyle will be tending sheep, he's using a sheep camp, just as is done today. In the story, motor fuel is in short supply so travel by coal fired steam engines makes some sense to me. And more fun.

Sethur's story is 10+ years after First Strike and in every story with an extended timeline, I'd thought I'd made the time very plain (left as a orphan 10 years ago and so on).

The last one on Col Yu, does 'jump back' - to the ending of Pedro Six Two. Several characters from "Pedro Six Two" (Sherman and his Army) and from "Going Home" (Jake, Martha and Tina carry forward to explain how the Chinese threat is eliminated and show the start of the Mexican invasion - so my comment on it needing its own book-length story. If I was a really good author, maybe I could get away with 20K words for that story - I'm not there yet.

If you have not read all three books in the series, the story lines, as serialized, could be confusing. I guess I will need to put a forward on book four to lay out the timelines.
One of the problems in writing a series is the new reader picking up "book 4" of a series and being disappointed. So far I've burned most of the first chapter of book 2 and 3 as a setup in an effort to get a new reader up to speed.

As far as time lines, believe my stories are no more or less confusing than any of several (popular and well selling) SciFi series - say Ringworld or the Man - Kzin War book series. By serializing them here, I may have added to the confusion.

Thanks for the feedback, I'm happy to hear you enjoy the stories. As a writer, feedback is key to improving on my writing - and I still need improving... A lot. Telling a grand epic tale of the near future over several books, then a series of short stores is a challenge, feedback from readers is very welcome.

You make a very good point, this last book isn't fully edited/finished and so serializing it seems to have led to confusion. I've pulled all the stories and I'll send a note when the book is released. When the book is released, I'll re-post the stories with their note set.

Thanks again for your time and comments!
I guess now I have to say -- stay cool and stay safe my friend.

T/A

[TacAir]

Update,

I have "Tales of the Chernyi" complied (it's a book!) and in final edit to catch the typos that creep in. It is 5 stories, all shorts - that is to say under 22K words per 'chapter'. It has one chapter not posted to the board.

I've decided that Col Yu will be done this coming winter, the story line is complicated enough to warrant a full-length treatment.
I still have a lot more work to do on the "Dark Fence Squadron" which will go out before the Col Yu book.

Since summer in Alaska is so short, being outside/the garden/combat fishing/etc takes precedence over writing.

Thanks again to everyone who has picked a copy of the series out now. http://www.worlfofthechernyi.com will have links to the new book and I'll post a link in the Books section as well.

[Barr]

combat fishing

Is someone going after Halibut????

[TacAir]

combat fishing

Is someone going after Halibut????

combat fishing for salmon - dadgum tourists



But when ya hit it, ya hit it big!

[Barr]

Gah tourists, it's been awhile since I've been up there I forgot.

Can you still fish around Earthquake Park?

[TacAir]

Gah tourists, it's been awhile since I've been up there I forgot.

Can you still fish around Earthquake Park?

Yup - and they pulled a 46 pound King out of Ship Creek - and that runs thru the middle of downtown Anchorage - how cool is that?

[Barr]

I miss spawning season.