Helping kids cope after an event

[Mojo Jojo]

This isn’t a post about prepping, but more about how to deal with the aftermath of a disaster (or multiple in my case) with young children (ie under 5 who don’t understand as much). I’m not even going to go into what equipment we did or didn’t have, but more about the behaviours and the emotional coping that I went through with my family after the events, specifically what my wife and I did with our children and what we saw happen to other children we know. (hopefully it’s ok in Family Prep, if not sorry, and just go ahead and move it somewhere better)
So a bit of background to put everything into context. I live in Christchurch, New Zealand, with my wife and two children (son currently 2 ½ and daughter 14 months). In September, 2010, there was a 7.1 earthquake here that caused a lot of damage around the city and to a lot of homes. There followed months of smaller aftershocks before in February, 2011, there was another large earthquake that destroyed a lot of the central city and killed 184 people. Lots more smaller aftershocks, followed by another 6+ magnitude in June. Repeat the aftershocks and then another 6+ in December 2011. So far from September 2010 to now there have been over 10,000 aftershocks.
I’ll just throw a disclaimer in here as well. I’m not a psychologist of any type or had any training in it. All I’m going to talk about is what I have done and seen. I’ll add in my views and opinions, but these are just from experience, not from training. Hopefully I’m doing ok and not screwing up my kids for long term damage.
So, what not to do. During an earthquake the natural reaction is to grab the kids and get to cover. There is absolutely no way to override this reaction, so don’t even bother trying. But for god’s sake try not to scream and turn into a blubbering mess in front of them. The children that I have seen that have coped the worst over the last 18 months are the ones where the parents panic and breakdown following the event. One example of this are some friends who live about 2 blocks away. In the June earthquake the husband was out of town on business and they called me to help at the house to do some emergency repairs. I got to their house about 2 hours after the quake and found grandmother and mother holding the two kids (2 ½ and 6 months) and everyone was crying and hysterical. The 6 month old had no idea what was going on, just that mum wasn’t happy so she wasn’t happy. The old kid was much the same and months later still automatically has a meltdown after every aftershock, no matter how big or small. If the kids think that the shaking is a scary thing that makes their mummy and daddy cry, they’ll cry too. The kids would have been safe in the yard playing with grandma while mum sorted out the house. They could have tagged in and out for kid duty while the other cried. Instead it was a nasty cycle of we cry, they cry. They are crying so we are going to cry etc.
The next thing not to do is to break their routines. The natural instinct is to keep the kids close in case another one hits. This is especially the case if the house is damaged or people have been injured. But as soon as it is safe, get back into a normal routine. If they have their own bed, get them back to it as soon as it is safe. If they go to day-care/pre-school etc then get them back into it as soon as you can. My nieces father became ultra paranoid after each earthquake and refused to let the girls sleep in their own room. It went so far as everyone in the same bed. Eventually he got over his paranoid, overprotective streak and the parents tried to get the girls back into their own room and beds. They failed miserably. For months they were fighting a battle to get the girls to sleep in their own bed. Eventually they would go to sleep in their own room, but overnight would sneak back into sleep with mummy and daddy. It took a long time and a lot of fighting but everyone is back in their own beds for the night now.
So what should you do? This is easier said than done. I think that it is really important to give them somewhere safe to be. Obviously this covers the obvious like things not falling on them, but I’m meaning more that they feel safe, and that we as parents feel that they are safe. For both of our kids this was their bed. This had a few benefits over the course of all the events. For the adults, it meant that we knew exactly where the kids were, and we knew that they were safe from getting hurt. We could put our daughter in her cot with books and toys and she would be safe and contained. Our son was a bit harder, but he managed to understand to stay on the bed and play. This meant that we could clean up the house, and if another aftershock hit they would be ok. It also meant that they kept their normal routines and sleep areas. This worked really well until December when a 6+ hit. An hour before that a large shake hit so we were in cleanup mode and my son was on his bed when the 6 hit. He was safe, but some things fell over in his room (toys off shelves etc) and scared him. So now his safe place became a bad place for him. Not too bad in the scheme of things, but it meant that for two weeks he wouldn’t go to sleep without mummy or daddy with him. Initially he wouldn’t let us leave the room until he was asleep, but bit by bit we increased the time we were out of the room and two weeks later back to normal. For now anyway.
We also got my son back to day care as soon as we could. He loves being there with his friends etc and is part of his normal routine. Obviously things got shut down for safety checks, so during this time there were several days where our house was overrun with toddlers. I was at work thankfully. While not the routine environment, the social aspect was good for the kids, and also the adults I have to add.
All this is long winded, so sorry for the long read. I guess I can sum it up as two key learning points. The first is to keep as calm as you can during and immediately after the event. This can be hard when your chimney has collapsed into your house and crushed toys (my house), but if you start screaming and running around in a panic, the kids will pick up on this pretty fast and any small event similar will be a trigger for them. Let it all out once they are asleep and can’t see mum and dad upset.
The second is to get things back to normal as much and as soon as possible. Kids thrive on routine and often don’t cope well with changes. Familiar people, environments and things (blankets, toys etc) all help to create this. After the February quake my wife and kids , along with wife mother all bugged out to extended family that are out of town. Familiar toys and two people they know and love meant that for them it was more of a holiday and an adventure than something to be scared of.
All of this is from my earthquake perspective, but I assume that the same will apply to hurricanes, tornadoes or any other event. I’d image that if the parents run and scream in a tornado, any wind event after that will trigger the reaction. Everyone, young or old, will be scared and traumatised, but as parents our job is to minimise it for our children.

[duodecima]

Fantastic topic, and perfect for family prep. Let's face it, when we are trying our hardest not to fall apart after a disaster, it's hard to think all that thru. Better to have the key elements already in your prep plan.

Like you said, kids pick up on, and eventually model, what WE their parents/caretakers/grownups are doing. Having a plan(s) or at least principles for how to handle kids after a disaster can only make us feel calmer too. I think all the professional advice I've ever seen also includes creating a sense of safety and normalcy for the kids too. The only think else I've seen is letting them have their own natural feelings - if they were scared, that's normal and give them ways to express and cope with that, if they weren't scared, don't tell them they should have been.

Great post.

edit for spelling

[Chantrea]

Emotional preparedness and having a plan for helping your loved ones (and yourself) deal with a disaster *is* part of prepping, Mojo, just one that tends to be forgotten in the supply/equipment shuffle. Thank you for sharing your perspective!

The red cross has a booklet directed at parents to help their kids cope:
http://www.redcross.org/www-files/Documents/pdf/Preparedness/Fast%20Facts/Helping_Children_Cope_English.revised_7-09.pdf

I also have used the FEMA Kids website quite a bit to help my kids prepare:
http://www.ready.gov/kids

[Anianna]

I agree with what you are saying. We had both a hurricane and an earthquake in 2011. We knew the hurricane was coming and we talked to the kids about it in advance and showed them that we were prepared for it and didn't make a big deal out of the scary parts. We faced it matter-of-factly, knowing we can't control the weather, but we can control how we respond to it. The earthquake was a surprise, but we took it in stride. The kids did run in hollering about it, but I responded calmly and they calmed down, too. I was very glad that the kids were home that day because the whole community panicked. I was more scared of people's responses than of the event itself and I'm glad we do not live in the city where that sort of behavior could have startled my kids. Instead, we talked about how people can panic and do more harm to themselves than the disaster.

One thing I do is I don't shield my kids from natural disasters in the news. I explain to them how various disasters occur, such as earthquakes and tsunamis. We look things up together to learn more. This way, they do know that natural disasters can happen and that they are scary, but that we know about them, which reduces fear, and that we work to prepare ourselves for them. Several disasters had occurred in 2011 that we spent time discussing with the kids. By the time hurricane Irene hit, they were mostly fine and recovered from the storm without incident. They went out with us to check our property and animals and to see if neighbors needed help. I consider it a learning experience for them.

[raptor]

Hurricane Katrina disrupted the lives of many. It lead to many cases of PTSD in adults and kids, increases in suicide, depression and similar psychological impacts.

We are preppers should understand that these psychological issues will deeply affect us in the aftermath of a serious SHTF event, never mind an EOTWAWKI event.

It is worth studying these problems and plan on possible ways to deal with these issues.



These are a few links for further review and discussion.

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/200 ... kids_N.htm

http://www.scielosp.org/scielo.php?pid= ... xt&tlng=en

http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/c ... /S448.full

http://www.springerlink.com/content/1001784886211604/

[GunTotingHippy]

Thank you for sharing, Mojo.

As the parent of a five year old, I spend a lot of time thinking about things like this.

[OldSchool45b]

Excellent topic. I have a friend who is a "shrink" (he is also very small so I call him my "Shrink" as a play on words) and he did our study on the post event psychology and mass reactions to loss of basic life support services, but he also did one for us on kids in the post event environment. His recommendation was to try to keep things as normal as possible for them. If we have power, have cartoons and games available. Spend time with them doing fun things and remove them as much as possible from the turmoil of the new world. Makes sure they know they are loved, make sure they feel secure.

My kids are an anomaly I would suspect. They grew up around LEO's, in Special Forces Team rooms, and with a dad who is a a licensed MG MFG. When they see guns they ask, "Is that new? Show it to me!" and when they see my armor laying about they use to ask if I had drill or if I was going shooting. And if they could come along. When my oldest was about nine, she snuck into one of my ballistic trauma classes I was teaching. When I ask for the lights, after a VERY graphic presentation she was the one to click them on. I was horrified thinking of the damage I may have caused her with these images. I sent her out immediately but when I talked to her about it, she ask me if I could go over it with her because she had questions she didn't understand about some of the pics. She started naming off different parts of the body asking if that is what this piece was. Very clinical approach, almost professionally detached. It was kind of shocking. She has never had bad dreams and is a wonderful, happy and well adjusted 13yr old. Granted when she grabs one of her friends she calls out the nerve cluster she is pinching or what muscle group she is attacking. She is going into junior high in AP classes in English, anatomy, and science. My youngest is 9 an just wants to play and be my princess. But because she is around sissy who watches "Life in the ER", walking dead and stuff like that she is fearless. Nothing gives her nightmares and if she does get scared she asks me about it in a creepy kind of detached way, "Dad, if X happens what will you do?" What I have learned is that she just wants to be reassured and feel safe. I think that is the case with most kids. In the PAW that will probably make the biggest difference. Safety, normalcy and love will be the biggest things you can give them to help them adjust to the new environment.

[by-the-throat]

I think the best thing to do is alter their routine as little as possible.

For instance, I personally stock only foods that everyone eats normally, at least within the limits of long term storage. The trauma of a SHTF event is no time to shock the body with a major change to diet or sleep habits. We also keep plenty of entertainment items on hand like coloring books and non electronic toys, enough for everyone's kids.

We (our group) also has a sort of "Field Day Care" routine for bugging out in our SHTF folder, essentially a rotating babysitting roster for base camp. It is noteworthy that the kids who are used to camping and outdoors before SHTF will have less trouble afterwards.

[KnightoftheRoc]

I've thankfully never had to use this, but a technique I used when my kids were tiny, was to laugh.
A fall on the bum, no injury- laugh about it. Pretty soon, they laugh, too, every time it happens, and there's no "run to mommy screaming, it's the end of everything!" behaviors, unless it's an actual injury. I found that it saved a lot of panic on our parts as well, as parents. Freaking out at every little thing they yelled about was bad enough without the false alarms. Eventually, you know your kid well enough to tell the difference between the screams.

I would think that a similar approach would work for this after-action stuff. Allow them to feel scared, but at the same time, calm them, and explain why they don't NEED to be afraid. Yelling at an emotional child has never worked out in the positive, in my experience. Sometimes, nothing does, but getting excited and worked up yourself is a no-win scenario, for either of you.

My daughter is about to have her first child. We were talking, and got to things where she felt we parents had made mistakes. I told her all she can do is try to avoid making them herself, and to realize she'll make her own mistakes. Every parent "messes up" their kid in some way. All you can do as a parent is to try like hell to minimize the damage, and not make the mistakes you may feel your parents made.

Keeping a calm, level head is the first step to surviving any emergency, for anyone. Panic kills. Get comfortable with that premise, and you can influence those around you, not just kids, to remain calm as well.

[Anianna]

I've thankfully never had to use this, but a technique I used when my kids were tiny, was to laugh.
A fall on the bum, no injury- laugh about it. Pretty soon, they laugh, too, every time it happens, and there's no "run to mommy screaming, it's the end of everything!" behaviors, unless it's an actual injury. I found that it saved a lot of panic on our parts as well, as parents. Freaking out at every little thing they yelled about was bad enough without the false alarms. Eventually, you know your kid well enough to tell the difference between the screams.

I would think that a similar approach would work for this after-action stuff. Allow them to feel scared, but at the same time, calm them, and explain why they don't NEED to be afraid. Yelling at an emotional child has never worked out in the positive, in my experience. Sometimes, nothing does, but getting excited and worked up yourself is a no-win scenario, for either of you.

My daughter is about to have her first child. We were talking, and got to things where she felt we parents had made mistakes. I told her all she can do is try to avoid making them herself, and to realize she'll make her own mistakes. Every parent "messes up" their kid in some way. All you can do as a parent is to try like hell to minimize the damage, and not make the mistakes you may feel your parents made.

Keeping a calm, level head is the first step to surviving any emergency, for anyone. Panic kills. Get comfortable with that premise, and you can influence those around you, not just kids, to remain calm as well.

This is so true. Panic begets panic, particularly in children. They rely on the adults to show them how to respond. If parents respond with confidence that they can deal with the situation, kids are far more comforted than if the parent were to show panic.

[RachelBB]

That's just what I was thinking about the little in his room during the aftershock, with stuff falling off shelves. If parent came in wide-eyed, maybe kinda excited, with a "did you feel that?", but in a good/joking way, wouldn't make it a scary/bad place. Hey, stuff falls off the shelves sometimes. "Wow, how far did xtoy wind up from where it started?" That would be a good type of response.

I wouldn't deal well with the hysterics, personally. As stated, feel free to break down and have a weeping/screaming fit if you need to. But you DON'T do it in front of your kids. We've been through some kinda scary stuff, and talking about it later when the kids were older, if I admitted to being scared at the time, they always looked at me funny. When they were littles, Mom was never scared. It's a huge responsibility, but part and parcel of putting on your big girl panties and being a mommy (or daddy).

[Mojo Jojo]

Thanks for the links from everyone. Great to read more on the subject from various sources, and great to hear from other people with young kids.
My only extra comment that I missed out would be to minimise what they are exposed to after the main event. After the quakes here there was lots of media footage of injured, bleeding and at times dead people. Not to mention the complete devastation across the city. If, like OldSchool45b, your kids are exposed and ready for that sort of thing then not too bad (although real is VERY different from The Walking Dead). But my neice (now 7) hadn't been exposed to that sort of thing and it raised some interesting questions. Just another thing to consider.
Another talk to look forward to along with The Birds And The Bees.

[OldSchool45b]

I am very fortunate that my girls have had the upbringing they have. In the event of a mild disturbance in life I think they will be in much better shape than their peers. In the event of a catastrophic event, all bets are off. As was stated, panic begets panic and the best I can do is try to shield them from the worst of it. I worry that my kids will begin to show signs like Carl is in Walking Dead (and I am aware the it is just a silly show, but they look at it like a show and we discuss actual social issues that could arise during emergencies, including the Zombie Apocalypse LOL). Eg, callus, dangerous and troubled behaviors. I think those are foregone conclusions, but how can you minimize the effects? I worry about this all the time. I just pray that because of their upbringing they will adjust better.

[Anianna]

People often do stupid things just out of ignorance. When you are in a frightening situation and you don't have information to rely on to help yourself, you panic or your mind breaks down. Simply having those conversations about how to respond in an emergency and instilling confidence in your children that they have the tools to respond effectively is preparing them.

I mentioned before about the earthquake that occurred here in VA. It was damaging, but it was not catastrophic, but many people here responded as if it was a catastrophe and many of them made stupid decisions. From my observation, I believe that people get into a mindset that nothing will happen to them. When something does happen, they are blindsided and can only respond out of fear and ignorance. I think we are generally better prepared because we have a mindset that crap happens and, while we may not know which crap will happen or when, we have informed ourselves that it is going to happen and that we need to think about and consider the possibilities. That makes us (us being preppers in general) better equipped to deal with a disaster than the general population who will respond with both fear and ignorance resulting from never having considered the possibilities. That isn't to say that we won't also respond to a given event with fear or ignorance, but that we are more likely to handle an emergency situation better than the average, non-prepared individual.

[bacpacjac]

First of all, I'm glad that you and your family have come through this safely, Mojo.

One thing that hasn't been mentioned yet, unless I missed it, is answering your kids' questions and responding to their fears. We've only gone through what I consider minor incidents here, thinngs like the cat or goldfish dying, bumps, bruises, etc. The scariest for my son was when:

-He, his dad and sister were in an MVA and our truck and the other were totalled. Thankfully nobody was injured. Everyone was pretty shaken though. My husband stayed calm, as did the other driver. They made sure everyone was safe and called for help. It almost became an adventure for him.

-I broke my shoulder in a water tubing accident last year. He was really scared. Though I was in a considerable amount of pain, I stayed calm, as did hubby and my friends. It was a serious situation but everyone kept their heads and it became a learning experience for him.

Both events, and the pet deaths, had some lingering effects on him, a few nighmares but ostly lote of questions. When he asks us questions, we're honest with him, try to answer at a level he'll understand, and always reassure him but without being condescending. A pat on the head and "there's nothing to be upset about" isn't always the best response. If our children have questions, we need to address them with honesty and sensativity.

[Anianna]

First of all, I'm glad that you and your family have come through this safely, Mojo.

One thing that hasn't been mentioned yet, unless I missed it, is answering your kids' questions and responding to their fears. We've only gone through what I consider minor incidents here, thinngs like the cat or goldfish dying, bumps, bruises, etc. The scariest for my son was when:

-He, his dad and sister were in an MVA and our truck and the other were totalled. Thankfully nobody was injured. Everyone was pretty shaken though. My husband stayed calm, as did the other driver. They made sure everyone was safe and called for help. It almost became an adventure for him.

-I broke my shoulder in a water tubing accident last year. He was really scared. Though I was in a considerable amount of pain, I stayed calm, as did hubby and my friends. It was a serious situation but everyone kept their heads and it became a learning experience for him.

Both events, and the pet deaths, had some lingering effects on him, a few nighmares but ostly lote of questions. When he asks us questions, we're honest with him, try to answer at a level he'll understand, and always reassure him but without being condescending. A pat on the head and "there's nothing to be upset about" isn't always the best response. If our children have questions, we need to address them with honesty and sensativity.

Good stuff right there.