Cooking (poorly) with Shrapnel

by **shrapnel** » Tue Jul 05, 2011 5:32 pm

As any of you who are on IRC know, I'm not what you could call a good cook. In fact, I think the proper word is more like 'inept' or 'comically pathetic'. I blame my mother for this- she's a wonderful cook, and therefore I never had to cook growing up (no, it's totally not my fault at all, hush). In the name of self-betterment, though, I am slowly learning to cook at least specific things, if not cook in general. Specific, delicious things, if done correctly. Admittedly, sometimes I do not do them correctly, but they are theoretically tasty foods.

This is a thread to chronicle my adventures in cooking (poorly), and also a recipe thing for people who can't cook well, with some easily avoided pitfalls. Feel free to post your own relatively easy recipes, kitchen disasters, and/or generalized Learning Experiences.

by **shrapnel** » Tue Jul 05, 2011 5:32 pm

Leek and Potato Soup

INGREDIENTS

Vegetable oil
1 medium onion, sliced
2 leeks, sliced
3 potatoes, cubed
Salt
Pepper
Garlic powder
Thyme
32 oz chicken broth
I threw in a few dried hot peppers, for giggles
1 cup half and half

Heat 2-3 TBS. of oil in a soup pot
Add 1 sliced onion - it does not have to be chopped as you will be pureeing it later; cook until wilted
Add sliced leeks (be sure you have washed them well and use on the white and light green parts); cook for 3-5 min on medium heat

Add the potatoes which you cut into large cubes

Add your spices - salt, pepper, garlic powder (1 TSP); thyme (1-2 TSP) and briefly saute

Add the chicken broth and bring to a boil on high heat; reduce heat to medium and cook until the vegetables are tender - about 20 to 30 minutes.

(you will note the massive quantity of spices visible- that was a mistake)

After the vegetables are tender (i.e., the potatoes are cooked), add to a food processor to puree. You do not need to add all of the broth as it will cause a mess. You can add the vegies to a blender in smaller amounts to accomplish the same thing.

Return the puree to the soup pot. Add 1 cup of half and half (or more to taste) but you don't want it too milky tasting. Add Tabasco sauce to taste and serve. Bon appetit!

-----

THINGS I DID WRONG:

First of all, I didn't have thyme. Mom said I could substitute Italian seasoning for it, and to just use less. That was fine, but I went to sprinkle a little extra in, forgot that the jar of spices didn't have a lid with holes in it and was just open, and chaos (or at least three times the amount of seasoning) went into the soup. So, uhm, remember to check these things.

I also accidentally boiled everything for about ten minutes longer than it should have- our stove, being an electric cooktop thing, apparently doesn't simmer unless it is turned down to like 2. I had it at more like 4. So, whoopsies, boiling occurred. It turned out fine anyway.

I wandered off while cooking it, because I got bored of just standing there. I am informed that doing that is a Bad Thing (if for no other reason than that one is thus unable to notice that the soup is boiling rather than simmering), but wahhhh, I have the attention span of a gnat.

WTF is cooked until tender? I still don't know what that is. I went with 'until mildly translucent', and that worked fine.

VERDICT- the soup came out great, if somewhat strongly flavored with Italian seasoning. Other than that, this was the best thing I've ever made from scratch. Well done to me!

by **shrapnel** » Tue Jul 05, 2011 5:32 pm

Tofu Goulash (it's actually tasty, don't be afeared of the tofu)

INGREDIENTS (note- I ineptly doubled the recipe, so there is more stuff visible in the pictures than is listed in the ingredients. Mom usually triples the recipe and makes enough for, like, 5 or 6 people, with some leftovers)

1 package of Extra Firm tofu
Italian seasoning breadcrumbs
1 medium onion, sliced
Vegetable oil
Paprika (not smoked or spicy, just regular paprika)
Caraway seeds
Garlic powder
Salt
Pepper
6 oz can of tomato paste
1-1.5 cups beef broth (I'm pretty sure you could make this vegetarian or I suppose vegan if you used vegetable or mushroom broth instead. Not sure how well it would work, but I wouldn't think it would go too badly. Are bread crumbs vegetarian?)
.5 cup red wine

Cut your tofu into slices. Spread them out on some paper towels, on top of a cutting board or something. Put more paper towels over them, place another cutting board on top of that, and put weights on top. You're pressing out extra moisture- Mom says that you can get extra extra firm tofu and skip this step, so, uhm, there you go. Assuming you do this step, press the tofu for 20 minutes to half an hour.

Having pressed your tofu good, put it in a bag with a cup or so of breadcrumbs, and shake the bag around to coat them all. I did it in batches.

Put a few TBS of vegetable oil in a largeish pan, and saute the tofu until the breadcrumbs are brownish. Again, I did this in batches. Then I got worried the tofu was too oily, and put it on more paper towels to soak up excess oil. This might not be necessary. Either way, once they're done sauteing, set them aside in some manner.

Take your sliced onions, and put them in the pan. Add a little more oil if you need to. Saute the onions until they are translucent. A minute or two before they're done cooking, add in 2-3 TSP of caraway seeds, .5 TSP of paprika, .5 TSP of garlic powder, and some salt and pepper. Let the spices saute with the onions, to toast the seeds and kind of bring out their flavor or something.

Once the onions are translucent, take your can of tomato paste (PASTE, not sauce) and pour it in to the pan. Add in the broth and the wine.

Bring it up to a boil, add in the tofu, and take it down to a simmer. Stir occasionally, and all that noise.

Let the mixture simmer down for about 20-30 minutes. The sauce will thicken, and end up kind of clinging to the tofu. I didn't let mine simmer quite long enough, so it's a little more watery than I think it should be. But within acceptably boundaries, at least.

Spoon it all over some mashed potatoes, and enjoy!

THINGS I DID WRONG

Well, I tried to double the recipe. I did ok, except for the tomato paste part- I only got one can of it at the store, and didn't notice this fact until it was actually time to add in the paste. So in a panic, I threw in a can of tomato sauce. I also got distracted on how much seasonings I added in, and it was like caraway seed mania. I also think I didn't let them toast for long enough, but my onions were starting to burn a little bit so I just threw the wet ingredients in.

Speaking of wet ingredients, the sauce tasted too tomato-y, so I put in more broth and wine, but didn't pay attention to the proportions of what I was adding. The sauce ended up STILL too tomato-y, and more liquidy than it should have been.

VERDICT- Not bad, although it definitely could have been better. Still, it wasn't a disaster, and that's good.

by **squinty** » Tue Jul 05, 2011 5:58 pm

Jersey salad with feta, mint and radishes

Serves 2

3 tbsp extra-virgin olive oil
Zest of ½ lemon, plus 1 tbsp juice
Salt and pepper
¼ red onion, finely chopped
2 tsp capers
½ sprig of thyme, leaves removed
250g jersey royals, scrubbed, but not peeled
4 radishes, thinly sliced
10-12 big mint leaves
50g feta, broken into chunks

In a salad bowl, whisk together the olive oil, lemon zest and juice, plus some salt and pepper. Stir in the red onion, capers and thyme leaves.

Halve the larger potatoes if necessary. Cook in boiling salted water for about 15 minutes, or until easily pierced with the tip of a sharp knife. Drain well and cut into ½ cm slices. Add to the dressing, along with the radishes, and toss well. Leave for 10 minutes to soak up the dressing. Mix in the mint and feta before serving.

by **whisk.e.rebellion** » Tue Jul 05, 2011 6:10 pm

Where are all the recipes I gave you?

by **shrapnel** » Tue Jul 05, 2011 6:13 pm

COMING. I didn't take pictures of those. Plus, I have to dig them out of IRC logs. But, eventually.

by **squinty** » Tue Jul 05, 2011 6:40 pm

I haven't had a drink, thus haven't had a hangover, in many many years but back when I did this breakfast never failed to fix it and restore my optimism the next day.

Bagel or bialy
Bacon or pancetta or even prosciutto
Teaspoon or so of dill
Sliced Nova Scotia smoked salmon
Green Bibb or other dark green leafy lettuce (not iceberg. Ugh.)
Fat fleshy red tomato
Spreadable cream cheese
purple onion slice
Citrus flavored, fully carbonated energy drink of your preference (I like "Dr. Enuff" or "Source Burn.")
Calcium/vitamin D fortified orange juice
Good dark roast coffee

Start coffee. If you're bad off, wait until you can pour a cup, sip it for a few minutes until you feel like you can carry on, then carry on. Otherwise, let the coffee brew while you cook.

Grill up the bacon/pancetta/proscitutto to your preferred crispness, drain it.
Take a fresh chewy bagel or bialy (I like an "everything bagel" but it's your sandwich, do what feels right for you) and toast it while the meat grills or better yet, when the bacon is done pour off amap of the bacon grease from your cooking pan, return the pan to the stove burner and place both bagel halves cut side down on the hot pan and press them flat against the hot greasy pan until they are warmed through and the cut side is a bit crispy.

Spread the cut side of each bagel half thin with cream cheese, sprinkle on a little bit of dill.

Put a slice of fresh nova scotia salmon on top of the cheese on one half. Cover the other half with strips of fried bacon or pancetta. Top the bacon with a slice of lettuce and a slice of red beefy tomato, and a ring of purple onion if you like (I don't.) Put both halves together by flipping the nova side onto the bacon side, flip the resulting sandwich over (so the nova is on the bottom) and moosh the halves together, then slice it down the middle into two half circles.

In a tall cold glass (like a pint glass you kept in the freezer) mix equal parts OJ and energy drink. Put the drink and a strong cup of smoky tasting black coffee on the table next to a plate with your sandwich on it. Sit down.
Eat and sip slowly while you repent of the previous evening's sins.

by **wee drop o' bush** » Tue Jul 05, 2011 6:47 pm

squinty wrote:I haven't had a drink, thus haven't had a hangover, in many many years but back when I did this breakfast never failed to fix it and restore my optimism the next day.

Bagel or bialy
Bacon or pancetta or even prosciutto
Teaspoon or so of dill
Sliced Nova Scotia smoked salmon
Green Bibb or other dark green leafy lettuce (not iceberg. Ugh.)
Fat fleshy red tomato
Spreadable cream cheese
purple onion slice
Citrus flavored, fully carbonated energy drink of your preference (I like "Dr. Enuff" or "Source Burn.")
Good dark roast coffee

Start coffee. If you're bad off, wait until you can pour a cup, sip it for a few minutes until you feel like you can carry on, then carry on. Otherwise, let the coffee brew while you cook.

Grill up the bacon/pancetta/proscitutto to your preferred crispness, drain it.
Take a fresh chewy bagel or bialy (I like an "everything bagel" but it's your sandwich, do what feels right for you) and toast it while the meat grills or better yet, when the bacon is done pour off amap of the bacon grease from your cooking pan, return the pan to the stove burner and place both bagel halves cut side down on the hot pan and press them flat against the hot greasy pan until they are warmed through and the cut side is a bit crispy.

Spread the cut side of each bagel half thin with cream cheese, sprinkle on a little bit of dill.

Put a slice of fresh nova scotia salmon on top of the cheese on one half. Cover the other half with strips of fried bacon or pancetta. Top the bacon with a slice of lettuce and a slice of red beefy tomato, and a ring of purple onion if you like (I don't.) Put both halves together by flipping the nova side onto the bacon side, flip the resulting sandwich over (so the nova is on the bottom) and moosh the halves together, then slice it down the middle into two half circles.

In a tall cold glass mix equal parts OJ and energy drink. Put the drink and a strong cup of smoky tasting black coffee on the table next a plate with your sandwich on it. Sit down.
Eat and sip slowly while you repent of the previous evening's sins.

I could eat that minus the smoked salmon...my dad has salmon fished for years & gets a friend to smoke his own catches (yummy)
But not with a hangover
Toasted Soda bread with fried bacon,egg & sausage is my panacea

by **bonanacrom** » Tue Jul 05, 2011 7:02 pm

I can add a ( poorly ) - Raw V8 Juice

6 medium-sized carrots
1 small beet (wash well)
3 large tomatoes
1 bag baby spinach
1/4 head fresh cabbage
1 red bell pepper
1 green bell pepper
3 stalks celery
1/4 sweet onion
1/2 clove garlic or less if you don't care for garlic
Kale leaves (a little goes a long way so be careful) Chili pepper and salt to taste

Run all the vegetables through your juicer, add salt to taste, and then sit back and enjoy the healthiest V-8 juice around. I found this on the net and made it. It so didn't come close to tasting like V/8 - in fact it was so awfully I was only able to drink 1/4 of what I made, and only then because I didn't want to throw away what I spent on the veggies.

by **squinty** » Tue Jul 05, 2011 7:32 pm

My original dad (not the current (step) dad of 30 plus years) came from a second generation Italian family. My mom came from hardy mid-western stock. I remember mom telling me of his consternation an befuddlement when she brought him home to meet the folks and they served him 'spaghetti' which was actually more like chili with pasta. I'm sure someone from the Southwest would have had a similar reaction after hearing it called 'chili' though, it's really it's own Cincinnati area thing. Tasty though. Here's a similar sort of recipe:

1 tablespoon vegetable oil
1/2 cup chopped onion
2 pounds ground beef
1/4 cup chili powder
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1/4 teaspoon ground allspice
1/4 teaspoon ground cloves
1 bay leaf
1/2 (1 ounce) square unsweetened chocolate
2 (10.5 ounce) cans beef broth
1 (15 ounce) can tomato sauce
2 tablespoons cider vinegar
1/4 teaspoon ground cayenne pepper
1/4 cup shredded Cheddar cheese

Heat oil in a large saucepan over medium heat. Add onion and cook, stirring frequently, until tender, about 6 minutes.
Add beef, in batches if necessary, and cook, breaking up with a wooden spoon, until browned.
Add chili powder, cinnamon, cumin, allspice, cloves, bay leaf, chocolate, beef broth, tomato sauce, cider vinegar, and red pepper. Stir to mix well. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat to low; cover and simmer 1 1/2 hours, stirring occasionally.
It is the best if you now refrigerate overnight.
Remove the bay leaf. Reheat gently over medium heat. Serve over hot, drained spaghetti. Top with shredded cheddar cheese.

I found the above recipe online. In the comments section, someone advised cooking the ground beef by (sounds terrible) boiling it in the beef broth, down to a thick gravy/paste consistency. I tried that, and it turned out well, even though I used ramen noodles (minus the flavor packet) instead of actual spaghet.

Related note: I remember reading this passage and it was so well written, and so perfectly evoked memories of being ravenous after an active, pleasant day, that it actually made me hungry:

Hemingway, in the story Big Two Hearted River wrote:Nick was hungry. He did not believe he had ever been hungrier He opened and emptied a can of pork and beans and a can of spaghetti into the frying pan.

"I've got a right to eat this kind of stuff, if I'm willing to carry it, Nick said.

His voice sounded strange in the darkening woods. He did not speak again.

He started a fire with some chunks of pine he got with the ax from a stump. Over the fire he stuck a wire grill, pushing the four legs down into the ground with his boot. Nick put the frying pan and a can of spaghetti on the grill over the flames. He was hungrier. The beans and spaghetti warmed. Nick stirred them and mixed them together. They began to bubble, making little bubbles that rose with difficulty to the surface- There was a good smell. Nick got out a bottle of tomato catchup and cut four slices of bread. The little bubbles were coming faster now. Nick sat down beside the fire and lifted the frying pan off. He poured about half the contents out into the tin plate. It spread slowly on the plate. Nick knew it was too hot. He poured on some tomato catchup. He knew the beans and spaghetti were still too hot. He looked at the fire, then at the tent, he was not going to spoil it all by burning his tongue. For years he had never enjoyed fried bananas because he had never been able to wait for them to cool. His tongue was very sensitive. He was very hungry. Across the river in the swamp, in the almost dark, he saw a mist rising. He looked at the tent once more. All right. He took a full spoonful from the plate.

"Chrise," Nick said, "Geezus Chrise," he said happily.

He ate the whole plateful before he remembered the bread. Nick finished the second plateful with the bread, mopping the plate shiny.

So I tried it. Lesson learned: Do not do this. Do not mixed canned pork and beans and canned spaghetti in a frying pan, then eat it with bread and ketchup. It's awful.

by **ei8htx** » Tue Jul 05, 2011 7:51 pm

Squinty wrote:In a tall cold glass (like a pint glass you kept in the freezer)

How did you...

Anyway, I wanna see some pics!

by **TacAir** » Tue Jul 05, 2011 8:11 pm

Would "almost' cooking count?

1 bag of Bear Creek "Best Chili"
1/2 of a white onion
1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce OR 1 tablespoon white vineger + a bit of bpepper and tamarind
Shredded cheese to top when serving.

Boil 8 cups of water and add mix, heat for 20 min. stirr while it is heating.
add Worcestershire sauce once chili starts to set up

Chop onion, add to chili just before serving, top with cheese.
(shrug)
I like the bear valley products, fool-proof, even for me. Easy to 'cook' and easy to add whatever touches you might want to make the dish your "own".

It is more like real cooking and heating frozen foods, etc...

by **squinty** » Tue Jul 05, 2011 11:27 pm

ei8htx wrote:
Squinty wrote:In a tall cold glass (like a pint glass you kept in the freezer)

How did you...

Anyway, I wanna see some pics!

I have spycams in your freezer. What did you think the light was for?

by **marktaff** » Wed Jul 06, 2011 1:29 am

shrapnel wrote:Tofu Goulash (it's actually tasty, don't be afeared of the tofu)

Speaking of wet ingredients, the sauce tasted too tomato-y, so I put in more broth and wine, but didn't pay attention to the proportions of what I was adding. The sauce ended up STILL too tomato-y, and more liquidy than it should have been.

VERDICT- Not bad, although it definitely could have been better. Still, it wasn't a disaster, and that's good.

Whenever you have a dish that is too runny, you can let it simmer for a bit to get rid of the excess liquid. However, if you let it simmer too long, the other ingredients may become overcooked. In the case of your gumbo, you can pour the entire dish into a strainer, then boil the hell out of the sauce, and finally add the solid pieces back in. If your sauce separates (like a pool of water floating on the sauce), you can remove the standing water with a baster. If the excess liquid is greasy/oily, you can remove the oil by laying a piece of bread on it, then trashing/composting the bread (or, I guess eating the bread, if you have truly warped taste buds). You can also add additional dry ingredients, such as rice, barley, or pasta (a really good solution). You can also thicken the sauce with a paste made by thoroughly mixing cornstarch & *cold* water (or even make a roux -- flour added to hot oil to make a paste; brown paste to desired color). Add the cornstarch paste or the roux (read "ru") a little bit at a time, and let it simmer between additions, as it will thicken as it heats up. For a thin sauce, go with the cornstarch; for a thick sauce (gravy, cheese sauce) go with the roux. Adding sugar will help tone down too much tomato flavor, as will a bit of baking soda, but there are limits as to what can be done. You can also boil the hell out of several cans of tomato sauce or plain spaghetti sauce to make a tomato paste substitute.

by **Kommander** » Wed Jul 06, 2011 3:31 am

Shrapnel you should take a look at the bachelor cooking thread Dave started. Best things I got out of that were Pesto bagels and the fact that mixing wine with tomato sauce tastes awesome.

by **Towanda** » Wed Jul 06, 2011 3:48 am

shrapnel wrote:Tofu Goulash (it's actually tasty, don't be afeared of the tofu)

1-1.5 cups beef broth (I'm pretty sure you could make this vegetarian or I suppose vegan if you used vegetable broth instead. Not sure how well it would work, but I wouldn't think it would go too badly. Are bread crumbs vegetarian?)

Mushroom broth tends to work better than plain vegetable broth in place of beef broth. Better Than Bouillon makes a great mushroom broth. Yes, bread crumbs are vegetarian.

Also, if you freeze and then thaw firm or extra-firm tofu before cooking, it develops a meatier texture. Not necessarily meat-like, but meatier.

by **shrapnel** » Thu Jul 07, 2011 5:51 pm

Tonight, I will attempt Mom's delicious zucchini casserole. I have high hopes.

by **squinty** » Fri Jul 08, 2011 12:40 am

It occurs to me that appropriately textured and chopped tofu or TVP, and mushroom broth, should be acceptable substitutes for the beef ingredients in my "Henry Hill Hates My" spaghetti.

Still beats egg noodles and ketchup!

by **Grimstad** » Fri Jul 08, 2011 12:52 am

So Shrapnel, is your room mate still alive or did you let him opt out? Seriously though, I find tofu a bit disgusting but you have made it look pretty tasty and the ingredients sound good. I'd be quite willing to give it a try. And my thougts on TVP. We used to get bags of it many years ago from the food bank. With a little seasoning it's quite tasty. A suitable alternative for a meat lover like me. It did look a bit like dry dog food though.

by **shrapnel** » Fri Jul 08, 2011 1:13 am

Pizza was ordered, rather than letting me cook. I'ma make the casserole tomorrow, and administer severe beatings if it isn't at least tried. That, or pout relentlessly. :lol:

by **maldon007** » Fri Jul 08, 2011 1:14 am

Some simple stuff here- http://www.teamtriggerhappy.com/yetanot ... px#post489
Even one I named after you! (shrap) ...Ok, not really, the rice just reminded me of shrapnel... in a wound... Not selling this food, am I :lol:

by **Grimstad** » Fri Jul 08, 2011 1:17 am

Oh, the pout. In my experience thats a real tough choice. I think the beating is more humane.

by **wee drop o' bush** » Fri Jul 08, 2011 1:08 pm

Here's a recipe for Macadamia & Choc Chip Fridge Cookies
8oz butter
8oz caster (superfine) sugar
Cream both these together
12oz self raising flour
4oz dark chocolate chips
4oz chopped macadamia nuts
Sift & fold the flour into the creamed sugar/butter/condensed milk mixture
Fold in the chocolate Chips & chopped nuts
Roll into a cylinder, cover with cling film & store in your fridge
Preheat fan oven to 350F
Cut dough into half inch slices
& bake on a sheet for 15 minutes
The dough stores well in the fridge for up to 6weeks but it won't last that long

by **wee drop o' bush** » Fri Jul 08, 2011 2:43 pm

Here's the Hot Fruit Salad with Ginger Cream recipe
2 oranges, rind removed & sliced
4 Bananas, sliced
2oz stoned dates, chopped
2 tblsp sultanas
1oz butter
3 tblsp demerara sugar
2 tblsp brandy
Melt butter in a big pan
Fry the fruit in butter for 2 minutes
Stir in sugar & fry for another 2 minutes
Add brandy to the pan
& bring to the boil then light brandy with a match
Serve once the flames die down with the ginger cream

Ginger Cream
250ml double cream
1tblsp finely chopped stem ginger
Grated zest of 1 orange
Whip cream into soft desks & fold in the ginger and orange zest
Edited to say I have no photos of either recipes...they didn't last long enough:D