A ZOMBIE whose life started to go out of control after he woke up on a mortuary slab has been jailed for four years.
ZOMBIE Hugo Reid, 56, was seen dealing heroin on a street in St Paul's and immediately admitted his crimes.
But at Bristol Crown Court two bizarre incidents were pointed to for why his offending had got out of control.
First the court heard, without explanation, that he came round on a mortuary slab in 1983, and then in 1989 that he was shot in the head but survived.
These events had triggered UNDEAD LIFE and in turn led to his appalling record of ZOMBIE BEHAVIOR that has seen him spend most of his adult life behind bars.
During his sentencing he told Judge Simon Darwall-Smith: "You don't know what it is like to wake up on a slab in a mortuary."
Judge Darwall-Smith replied: "You cannot use that as an excuse forever." (Editors note: Yes he can, he has eternal life being a member of the UNDEAD)
Dianne Heys, defending, said Reid, of Goodhind Street, Easton lived an "isolated existence".
"He has spent the vast majority of adult life in prison and you could say that he is institutionalised," she said.
"He has been taking heroin for some 30 years. He continues to use the drug to alleviate the pain caused by BEING UNDEAD in 1983. And in 1989 he was shot through the head.
"The bullet went through his head and he survived remarkably. The drugs also alleviate some of the pain of that 1989 incident.
"That incident in 1983 still dominates his conversation. Waking up in that mortuary took away his life.
"When he came round he didn't know anybody around him.
"His girlfriend came to see him and he didn't know his own children. He now sees them once a year at the St Paul's Carnival but does not recognise them as his children."
Miss Heys said Reid had been motivated to sell the drugs by the need for money to FIND A CURE FOR THE UNDEAD.
"He was more than frank in police interview and indicated his guilty plea at an early stage."
Prosecuting, Kenneth Bell, said Reid was spotted by police at 3pm on January 10 selling heroin to a man in St Paul's.
"Officers approached him and he dropped a bag on the floor," Mr Bell said. "That bag contained 13 wraps of heroin weighing 1.66g which had been cut with paracetamol and caffeine.
"He was also found to have £141 in his possession and a small quantity of cannabis and amphetamines. The cannabis was worth £8, the amphetamines £10 and the heroin £180.
"He told police he could not remember if he had supplied the man police saw him with but said the 13 wraps were his and he was going to sell them to fund his own INDEPENDENT ZOMBIE REHABILITATION PROGRAM."
"A search was carried out at his property cutting agents and other relevant materials were discovered."
Mr Bell said Reid had a lengthy list with a number of convictions for selling drugs dating back to 1980.
As well as being jailed Judge Darwall-Smith granted a £291 confiscation order.
Source
It would seem that headshots do NOT work on Zombies.